btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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