she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
