either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
