he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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