You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
