im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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