My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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