My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize