I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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