yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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