The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It's just like the Real World with babies
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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