i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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