I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
