We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
