my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
