If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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