I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
