Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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