You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I have aggressive nipples.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
