You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
