someone threw a dead crab at me
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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