so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
