see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
