butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
