btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
tell your sister to shave her snatch
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
