Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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