u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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