Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
