youre lurking in front of me
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
