remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
