so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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