why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
