I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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