who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
