Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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