remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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