So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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