I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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