i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
