All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
