I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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