I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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