Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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