Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
