So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
