...so i touched it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Randomize
