My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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