I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
