My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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