Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
