i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
pop tarts are not kleenex
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
