did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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