What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
