mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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