If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
