i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
