I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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