Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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