Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
