I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
